Boom! Done.\n\nThe End
You talk to the girl about the strong black woman, she says that strong black woman is either a hero or a scoundrel depending on who's doing the telling. You're all like "Where do you hear about all this stuff, haven't you been locked in a tower with only books your whole life?".\n\nYou get to a gate that you can't open, you're told to find a way into Factorytown.\n\n[[Follow the line on the floor]]\n[[Don't follow the line on the floor]]
A bunch of dudes attack you and you shoot them, also there's some rail riding. The girl is able to find turrets, ammo and health packs in the quantum bullshit dimension. It takes a while. Eventually you get to a house.\n\n[[Enter the house]]
You jump into the big pile of quantum bullshit and appear in a universe where the Blue Key isn't there. Some other stuff is different, then you find some dudes that you killed earlier who are now alive. Somehow you're able to remember them among the 500 other people you killed. They seem messed up, the girl says it's because they're covered in quantum bullshit.\n\nShloot X20.\n\nYou get back to Green Key's place, all you find is a partially broken Blue Key covered in quantum bullshit. Then you go back downstairs and find the Chinese lady isn't Chinese anymore, now she's white. The girl finds out that in this universe fetch quests are different.\n\n[[Skip a bunch of shit]]\n\n
He tells the girl that you suck. So you drown him in the fountain. Anger issues!\n\nThe girl thinks he's right and you do suck, so you decide to blow up the tower or something. You get on a zeppelin. Kill some people. I think it's the revolutionaries. Big bird destroys the tower, then the girl uses her quantum bullshit magic to transport you into an underwater city. Big bird dies. You get on a submarine and go to a lighthouse. You go into the lighthouse and you see thousands of lighthouses. You go into another lighthouse and now it's daytime. You see another version of Dude Bro McGunpants and the girl.\n\nYou ask "What's up with that?".\n"We swim in different bullshit but land on the same shore" she says.\n"I don't understand."\n"You don't need to, as long as you believe the story is complex and not riddled with holes then you'll think it's your fault for not understanding."\n\n"There's so many choices." you joke.\n"They all lead to the same cutscenes."\n"No one tells me where to go." you say.\n"GO INTO THE NEXT LIGHTHOUSE" the screen tells you.\n\n[[Go into the next lighthouse]]\n
Previously on Bioshoot Infinite:\n\nShlooting. You found this girl who agreed to be your secretary. Lots of shlooting. You got the Red Key.\n\n[[The continuing adventures of Dude Bro McGunpants]]\n\n\n
You find the girl, she's old now. You've been stuck in quantum bullshit for years or something. She turned evil and is bombing cities as she's talking to you. Also Biff stole the sports almanac and went back in time and gave it to a younger version of himself and now he's rich and built a huge casino tower in his hometown. The old girl gives you a card then you fall into a giant pile of quantum bullshit, no false choice about it.\n\nNow you're back, back in the previous pile of bullshit. The girl is being tortured. To save her you need the Blue Key.\n\n[[More shoot and loot while the girl is being tortured]]
Strong black woman pushes you out of the airship and you land in Factorytown. You go into an office and there's some guys working there but they don't notice you looting everything and jumping on the desk.\n\nThere's some subtext in Factorytown but it's not totally obvious what it is.\n\nYou find a glowing door.\n\n[[Pry open the door]]
You're thinking this isn't a very strong female character, then she hits you in the head with a wrench. Surprise!\n\nSome stuff fades in and out, girl leaving the airship, then a guy punches you in the face.\n\nYou wake up and see some dudes breaking rocks with a big ol' robot guy watching over them. Where did those rocks come from? Why doesn't the giant robot guy just break the rocks with his giant robot arms?\n\nYou're on the airship still I think, there's a strong black woman who seems to be the leader. She also confuses you for the lead character from Mass Effect.\n\nYou talk to the strong black woman in kind of half normal/half old-timey talk. She tells you about the rebel cause and how rich white guys suck. You tell her you want the ship and she says she needs the Green Key first.\n\n[[You look very fetching]]
Super dramatic.\n\nLooks like we're almost done here, probably just one more ending cutscene and--SON OF A BITCH, the big bird thing is back. It smashes through the window and crashes your airship.\n\n[[Loading more crap]]
Pwned! You get to a door. Right next to the door it says "ENTRANCE ONLY BY WARDEN'S APPROVAL, THIRD FLOOR". So they built this huge door that is only going to be opened by prison guards but they still... sigh, you can make your own jokes by now probably.\n\nYou step in some more quantum bullshit on your way to the warden. So the girl was imprisoned here a long time or something and was converted over to Stomcock's side. You were asleep for six months. Lots of creepy dudes that you shoot.\n\nYou find a switch in the warden's office that opens the door. When you pull the switch lots of creepy dudes attack you. You kill them.\n\nYou go through the door, there's more piles of bullshit with story in them. You hear more screaming and go into a room but it was just a pile of bullshit making the noise, and you find the annoying Lettuce twins.\n\n[[Listen to their crap]]\n[[Shoot them]]\n\n
Come on, jump into the big pile of quantum bullshit.\n\n[[Jump into this big pile of quantum bullshit]]\n[[Don't jump into this big pile of quantum bullshit]]
You chase after her and yell "I just want to talk to you!" super creepily. Then you yell "I'm not angry with you!" even creepilier. She does some magic to slow you down, there happened to be a train in the quantum bullshit dimension right in front of where you were going. She then opens a portal to the quantum bullshit dimension and goes in and gets captured by some dudes. The girl is in distress! Again!\n\n[[Do some looting]]
So you can't really shoot down the blimp, even though you have a rocket launcher. Apparently it's not filled with hydrogen or helium but quantum bullshit. You have to ride some rails a jump off and sabotage the engine.\n\nThe blimp is going down, you try to escape but fall off and die.\n\nNow you're off the blimp, what the fuck? Ah who cares.\n\nYou get to another cutsceneavator, the girl is still upset about the Chinese man that she never met and the Chinese then white lady that she talked to once each being dead. The phone rings, it's strong black woman, she says "My Dude Bro McGunpants died for the rebellion, you an imposter". I probably didn't mention that in this universe you're a rebel hero that died. Then she says "You just complicate the narrative". You laugh.\n\n[[Skip some more crap]]
The Blue Key is at the Good Time Club, in between you and good times is a giant robot. Not a George Washington robot, nor a Abraham Lincoln robot, but a non-presidential robot. He has a glowing thing in the middle of his chest. The screen tells you "Shoot the Robotman in the heart for extra damage!", you're not sure if this heart they're talking about is the glowing thing in the middle of its chest though.\n\nGiant Robotman jumps around and punches you with his giant robot hands. You would be frightened if you weren't immortal. Eventually the robot is unable to absorb more bullets and collapses. You find a hat that makes it so empty clips have a 40% chance of magically refilling themselves. You consider renaming yourself Dude Bro McAmmohat.\n\nThe girls says "I don't much care for you Mr. McGunpants...but I must admit you know your way around shooting giant robots". You're like "Now we just need to go inside and find the Blue Key. And, me Mr. McAmmohat."\n\n[[Good Time Loading Time]]
You start playing the guitar and the girl starts singing, she picks up an apple and hands it to a poor kid.\n\n[[Back to the ol' shoot and loot]]
First pile of bullshit:\nStomcock and ghost lady aren't the girl's parents.\n\nSPOILER ALERT!\nIn Civilization 1 Gandhi might demand tribute from you.\n\nMore birdman.\n\nSecond pile of bullshit:\nThe Lettuce twins are dead.\n\nSPOILER ALERT!\nIn Red Baron the Germans lose the war. Also you'll probably die.\n\nThird pile of bullshit:\nEven more birdman.\nThe Lettuce twins were killed by Boss #2. So he could get their patents. Because Skytown has a patent office.\n\nSPOILER ALERT!\nIn X-COM the final alien base is on Mars.\n\n[[Ghost fight!]]\n\n\n\n
You shoot, shoot, shoot and then get an achievement for your shooting. Remember how teachers would give you a gold star or something to motivate you to do boring, repetitive tasks? Gold star!\n\n[[Leave Shittytown]]
You both have a big hearty laugh and forget all your cares.\n\nLooks like we're almost done here, probably just one more ending cutscene and--SON OF A BITCH, the big bird thing is back. It smashes through the window and crashes your airship.\n\n[[Loading more crap]]
You go down the next corridor, loot some stuff, find a locked door. Picklocutscene! You tell the girl that you used to work for the Pinkertons and done some bad stuff. Perhaps you were at the Homestead Strike where 9 steel workers were killed. As you're thinking about your past you kill 10 people.\n\nThe girl finds a code book from strong black woman's rebel group. The screen tells you if you decode it you'll get a hidden treasure.\n\nNow some stuff about torture. Some other stuff about racism. Then some corpse looting. You finally get to a dark room with Kool Aid spilled on the floor. Oh no!\n\nYou turn on the light and find the Blue Key/Chinese guy is broken/dead. Then the British people appear with a coin. They tell you to look into this big pile in the quantum bullshit dimension that opens a portal to a universe where the Blue Key isn't broken. It's like a coin flip because quantum physics. The girl says that if the two of you jump into this big pile of quantum bullshit she doesn't think she can bring you back. This is a super important decision.\n\n[[Jump into this big pile of quantum bullshit]]\n[[Don't jump into this big pile of quantum bullshit]]\n\n\n\n\n\n
Factorytown leader, let's call him Boss #2, tells you his philosophy over a loudspeaker. I think I'm starting to get the subtext of Factorytown, I believe it's a commentary on the game industry, how people work long hours in the factory (crunching).\n\nA phone rings, it's Boss #2, he wants to hire you. Then the elevator goes down, for some reason they built this elevator with a window that goes right by some people's bedroom, then a factory floor, then another factory floor. You get the impression the people here are pretty happy.\n\nThe elevator ride ends and now there's some uptight dude that gives you a revolver and some salts.\n\n[[Shoot the uptight dude]]
You fight the ghost again. It takes a while.\n\nThe girl chats with some quantum bullshit in the shape of her dead not-mother. Then that bullshit opens the gate.\n\nYou've reached Stomcock's house! Now you can finally... get on the airship again?\n\nOf course Stomcock has a long gondola ride to get to his house, but first... put a bird on it! Big bird attacks you and throws you into a flashback. You're in a room with the Lettuces and the girl.\n\n[[Open the door]]\n[[Don't open the door]]
You use possession on robot George Washington, he is now friendly. He asks you how your day was. You tell him it's been pretty hectic, the two of you sit down for some tea.\n\nNow refreshed, you and RoboGeorge kill some cops.\n\n[[Looty McLooterson]]\n\n
You enter the house, find some food, ammo, dead couple, salts, and a hat that decreases your reload times by 30%. Also some guy had a tape recorder and recorded himself shooting some people, what a jerk!\n\nYou get to the gondola. Cutscenedola! You reiterate that you're not a good person in case the girl hadn't caught on yet.\n\nA little shooting and looting and you're at the airship! Looks like your adventure is coming to an end, just need to board this airship and set the controls for Paris.\n\n[[First some looting]]\n[[Set controls for the heart of the Sun, or Paris]]\n\n
You set the controls, then the girl notices that the longitude and latitude aren't for Paris but for New York. You had set the controls for New York because you need to give some people the girl to pay off your debt. Jerk!\n\nThe girl is crying.\n\n[[Talk to girl]]
You smartly follow the line on the floor, good job smart person! You feel smart.\n\nYou get to a lock, you call your secretary over and she opens it.\n\nYou enter a room filled with bad guys and a robot George Washington. The screen says "USE POSSESSION TO MAKE HOSTILE MACHINES FRIENDLY."\n\n[[USE POSSESSION TO MAKE HOSTILE MACHINE FRIENDLY]]\n[[Just shoot it]]
You say "What? It's a pile of bullshit. What is it--"\n\n"Why do you ask 'what?'" says annoying man.\n"When the delicious question is 'when?'" says annoying woman.\n"Lives. lived. will live."\n"Dies. died. will die."\n\nEnlightening.\n\n[[Find the girl]]
Robot George Washington shoots you and you die.\n\nThe End
So you're still trying to find whatever key you're looking for, I forget but it doesn't matter because we're not going to find it anyway.\n\nLet's just shoot some robots instead.\n\nOK you get to where the key is but it's too big to carry. Luckily there's a big pile of quantum bullshit here that you can jump into. Once again this is a super important decision.\n\n[[Jump into another big pile of quantum bullshit]]\n[[Fuck you]]
Bioshoot Infinite +3
You find a bunch of pretty flowers, picking each one. The girl helps you out when your flower picker gets low on flower picking juice. One of the flowers has thorns and pricks you but you hide behind a wall for a bit and you heal. It takes a while. Eventually you get to a house.\n\n[[Enter the house]]
Kind of pervy considering you're her dad. But you don't know that yet.\n\nShe wants to kill Stomcock and you're all like "Killings my job, baby".\n\nYou make your way to Stomcock's airship thing, after a couple boss fights you get there. Stomcock is in this garden thing next to a fountain, the girl goes over to talk to him.\n\n[[Listen to more story crap]]\n[[Shoot him in the face]]\n\n
The indie sector takes down the entire game industry, millions lose their jobs. Adam Sessler cries a single tear. That tear becomes a tear that transports everyone back into a world where no one gives a shit.\n\nTom Chick gives it 2 stars.
Just as you pry open the door you see the girl being thrown to the ground. You're like "Hey, remember me? I'm the guy that killed hundreds of dudes and then was going to give you to some shady people in exchange for my gambling debts."\n\nShe runs off.\n\n[[All it takes to get girls to like you is persistence]]
Good idea, the girl can wait. You find some sweet stuff.\n\nYou head out and hear the girl yelling at some guys to let her go. The guys put her in a cage or whatever, you do some more rail shooting, then you die.\n\nThen more shooting. You find another glowing door. You open it and the girl runs off again. You chase after her and a giant robot dude knocks you down and throws you right onto a suspended crate. Just a few feet in any direction and he would've killed you! He probably feels pretty dumb. He then throws a frisbee and cuts two of the ropes holding the crate and you fall off! Onto a balloon! That the girl pulled from the quantum bullshit dimension! You then talk to the girl and tell her that you're not such bad guy. She buys it. Cratescene over.\n\nSome more subtext and you get to the end of the level.\n\n[[Loading]]
You shoot the book out of her hands and tell her you don't have time for reading.\n\nYou get to an elevator.\n\n[[Cutsceneavator time]]
Loot. Loot. Loot. You find an item that isn't a weapon, a shield or health. Not really.\n\nIn the next room the girl does find an item that isn't a weapon, a shield or health. She finds a cutbookscene.\n\n[[Listen to some crap]]\n[[Shoot the book]]\n\n
You're on your way to Stomcock's house. I'm not sure why. Because the screen tells you to I guess.\n\nSome stuff about how the revolution is evil now. Big bird cutscene. Cutsceneavatorvolution. Robotman fight.\n\nSo you get to the main gate of Stomcock's house, and there's an automated gate opener that somehow recognizes the girl as her mother because of the dress she's wearing, but also has a fingerprint scanner which denies access. The girl suggests you dig up her body and use her decomposed hand for the scanner, like the worst script from a terrible sitcom.\n\n[[Go dig up some lady that's been dead for 19 years so you can use her hand in a fingerprint scanner]]
You shoot the Chinese lady, she was secretly the last boss! You win!\n\nYou and the girl jump on the airship and fly straight to Paris, you find a job as a construction worker, and the girl finds work explaining quantum bullshit to Max Planck.\n\nThe End
You shoot the guitar.\n\n[[Back to the ol' shoot and loot]]
Open the fucking door!\n\n[[Open the door]]
You say "Fuck you" to this game and quit playing.\n\nYou Win!
You blast the woman with the shotgun, her body goes flying backwards. You then grab the dude by the neck with your arm claw thing and rip his head off. Good to finally be done with them.\n\n[[Find the girl]]
S&L X40.\n\nYou find the strong black woman in an elevator with a kid, the girl says "She's going to kill that child...we have to do something". "Don't worry, children are invulnerable in this game" you say.\n\nThe girl still thinks you have to do something. There's a vent, you could probably jump up there, you've jumped like 50 feet in the air before. But instead you boost up the girl up into it and distract the strong black woman who is now evil. The girl stabs her in the back with some scissors. Cutminoritywomanturnsevilscene over.\n\nThe girl is upset.\n\n[[Press X to COMFORT GIRL]]
She runs off. Must've pressed the wrong button.\n\nYou follow the girl into the airship that you've been trying to get to this whole time again. She's locked herself behind a door, you knock on the door but she won't come out until you've triggered that by setting a course.\n\nShe comes out and you notice she's cut her hair and found a more revealing outfit. I guess she got some blood on her other one, you're thinking "Hey, I'm covered in the blood of a thousand souls here, where's my new wardrobe?"\n\nShe's still disturbed about killing someone who was about to kill a child, she asks "How do you wash away the things that you've done?"\n\n[['You don't. You just learn to live with it.']]\n[['Soap.']]
Chinese lady is sad, you ask her what's up. She says "They take. Flying Squad. I pray Gautama Buddha. Pray give husband back. Give back to May Lin." The girl asks where they took the Green Key, Chinese lady says "Club. Everyone take to Good Time Club." (Actual dialog, not written by me)\n\nSo to get the Green Key you're going to need to get the Blue Key first.\n\n[[Fetch Lives]]
Now you're back, big bird rips open the roof and is about to kill you but the girl stops it and tells it to take her back. It does.\n\nYou head to Stomcock's house to find her, there's a trail of quantum bullshit along the way to show you where to go and move the story along. You hear some disturbing screams from the girl.\n\n[[Shoot and loot while listening to disturbing screams]]
You shloot your way to the Blue Key, as you get it an evil scientist broadcasts that if you also find the Green Key they'll be in trouble if they don't sedate her. The other evil scientist broadcasts that they aren't sedating her.\n\nYou find a door with a lock but the screen tells you the girl is busy and can't lockpick. Insert joke here.\n\nYou find the Green Key, the girl's magic takes over and... you are in Kansas anymore.\n\nA tornado kills the evil scientists.\n\n"I'll get you, my pretty!" yells Stomcock.\n\nYou pull some weird thing out of the girls back, then she asks you to help her tie her corset. The same one she was able to tie herself in the airship.\n\n[[Press X to TIE CORSET]]
When you went through the last pile of bullshit the levels you had gone through before were reskinned slightly and a bunch of enemies were respawned. You shoot them.\n\nSo you get back to the Green Key's place and surprise! The Green Key is broken and there's two dead people. The girl is pretty broken up about these two people being dead despite seeing at least a thousand other dead people in the last few hours. You're like "This isn't your fault, all we did is jump in a big pile of bullshit".\n\nYou get to a door that won't open until you shoot down a blimp.\n\n[[Shoot down a blimp]]
The girl is trying to open the door but needs a man so you open it for her. Outside the Brits are there playing a piano. They hand you a card, and say something about the bird and music or whatever. They disappear.\n\nSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSL.\n\nCutscenedola!\n\nThe girl says she knows who the Brits are, the female one invented the technology that allows the city to float. "Giant balloons?" you ask. No, something less plausible. She explains it's quantum particles, suspended in space-time at a fixed height. A fixed height that's relative to the Earth. Which is moving around the Sun. Which is moving around the center of the Milky Way. Which is also moving.\n\n[[Plow through the rest of this game]]
You get to the crypt and it's a trap. I can't believe you fell for that! Stomcock voice-over starts chatting, the girl gets magically hurt, then her mother turns into a ghost/boss battle. You kill the boss. The Brits are back, their names are Rosalind Lettuce and Robert Lettuce now. They spout out some more nonsense about time and the multiverse. They say you need to kill the boss again to get the Red Key for this level. Then they disappear.\n\nYou walk a bit and come to a cutdoorscene in the form of the Lettuce twins again, they say you need to find three piles of quantum bullshit before you can get the Red Key.\n\n[[Seriously?]]
You're still on your way back to the Red Door. The girl talks about her magical powers and how she read some books about quantum physics. She explains there's a hidden dimension of bullshit that interacts with subatomic particles, and by manipulating this quantum bullshit dimension you can do magic. Also this quantum bullshit allows for multiple universes. Science!\n\nMore rail riding. You get to the gondola switch/Red Door.\n\n[[Pull the switch]]
Lots of shoot and loot, then a cutsceneavator. "I must seem ridiculous" says the girl. "You're not the only thing" you say to yourself.\n\nYou enter Shittytown, where everyone is poor. You and the girl loot the place taking all this food and money that's just lying everywhere.\n\nSo for some reason you're still trying to find the Blue Key so you can get the Green Key so you can get on the airship even though this universe is totally different.\n\nYou find an elaborate trap.\n\n[[Shoolooshoolooshoolooshooloot]]
Someone left a gun on the floor at this club. Boss #2 says some crap about how he wants you to work for him because of your robot shooting skills. You go into a big room and the girl does some quantum bullshit magic to spawn guns, ammo and health packs.\n\nSome shooting.\n\nMore shooting.\n\nBirdman.\n\nTurrets.\n\nBirdturrets.\n\nTurretman.\n\n[[OK done shooting now]]
You jump into the bullshit, now you're totally covered in it. The convoluted story about the strong black woman's rebellion against whitey is now convoluteder. The girl thinks the revolution will make poor people's lives better, like in Les Miserables. Not sure how she saw that movie since it just came out.\n\nSo there's a war going on between the rebels and police or something, doesn't really matter since you're just going to be jumping in bullshit soon anyway. You find the strong black woman, but you can't interact with her even though she's the one you were originally fetching keys for. The screen tells you to fetch the Green Key still.\n\nYou go into a room and find a guitar.\n\n[[Play the guitar]]\n[[Shoot the guitar]]\n\n
You're back at a baptism scene, the girl is your daughter, you sold her to Stomcock when she was a baby to pay off gambling debts (jerk!), Stomcock is you covered in different bullshit, a few different versions of the girl drown you at the baptism so you don't become Stomcock, you get an achievement.\n\nThe End
You pull the switch, the girl tells you the gondola is coming. Looks like your adventure is almost over, just a quick gondola ride, jump on the airship and you're off to Paris to live happily ever after.\n\nNow there's someone on the public address system, they sure have a lot of those in this city. It's Stomcock, he says you suck again. Can you guess what's next?\n\n[[Picking a bunch of pretty flowers]]\n[[Not picking a bunch of pretty flowers]]
You can't seem to find your own way, there's stairs down to the right but they aren't obvious enough.\n\n[[Follow the line on the floor]]\n[[Don't follow the line on the floor]]
So you're not confident this airship is taking you to Paris, eh? Or just want to have plenty of ammo because your thirst for blood wasn't satisfied in Skytown and need to take it out on some Parisians?\n\nYou set the controls, then the girl notices that the longitude and latitude aren't for Paris but for New York. You had set the controls for New York because you need to give some people the girl to pay off your debt. Jerk!\n\nThe girl is crying.\n\n[[Talk to girl]]
She reads the book super quick and finds out her mother isn't her real mother and had her locked in the tower.\n\nSPOILER ALERT!\nThe princess isn't in the castle on level 4-4 in Super Mario Bros for the NES\n\nYou get to an elevator.\n\n[[Cutsceneavator time]]
You can't. You wander through Factorytown some more, thinking of the irony of people spending many long days and nights making this virtual city that's about working too much.\n\nNow some towers start shooting at you, not making a good impression on me for this job, Boss #2!\n\nShloot, shloot, shaloot. You find Green Key's place, strong black woman has left a tape recorder here for some reason. People here are worse than a teenager on Facebook, posting everything about their lives on to tape recorders and leaving them all over the city.\n\nThe place has been worked over by a constabulary. First time you've heard that word I bet.\n\nYou find a Chinese lady.\n\n[[Talk to Chinese lady]]\n[[Shoot Chinese lady]]